Crazy Bitch Control

Once a month, darkness hits and all the wonderfully innocent women we thought we knew are consumed and transformed into monsters that we dare not disturb. For these monsters must be caressed and cared for, because after all, the future requires that baby’s mamma. We’ve all experienced the wrath in one way or another and know the trials and tribulations of survival from the perspective of our own side. Whether you’re the beautiful flower that instantly transforms into a beast, or the poor unfortunate soul who is supposed to love her when the thorns come out, it’s not a good situation. We, the beautiful flowers, are just as upset and frustrated as you poor unfortunate souls when the darkness takes over. We swear we still love you, but we also want to uncontrollably punch you in the face. There’s no real specific reason, except every fucking word you say. We’re sorry, we really are….. but sometimes we can’t help it when the crazy bitch comes out…

You're Welcome

Ultimately, the crazy bitch must be controlled, and since we can’t tell our hormones and PMS to get the hell out of here, we have to get to work on what we CAN do!

TAKE YOUR VITAMINS, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
Taking your vitamins and making sure your body is given the right nutrients leading up to and during your time of the month is CRITICAL! Make sure you get enough Omega-3, Calcium, Vitamin B6, Fiber, Vitamin D, Vitamin E and Magnesium. Supplying your body with these nutrients can dramatically reduce your symptoms, including cramps, bloating, mood swings and beyond. In addition, if you’re REALLY a crazy or cramping bitch during your monthly visitor, try taking pain killers before your symptoms actually start. For instance, if you usually start Thursday night and get bad cramps, take your aspirin Thursday morning or afternoon. By doing so, your defenses are already up and running by the time the invader tries to attack!

For The Unfortunate Souls:
One way to help is to feed your beast the right nutrients by making or buying her a great dinner! Items like fish and veggies are great choices and perfect for filling us up with a lot of the nutrients we need 🙂

COMMUNICATE, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
While I, personally, advocate and encourage communication all the time, the time of the month when you turn into a crazy person is when it’s required. Plan ahead for your monthly visitor by letting the unfortunate souls that you affect know she’s on the way. No matter how much people like your roommates, family, friends, boyfriend, spouse, etc… love you, they hate wondering what the hell your problem is all of a sudden. It’s like, “What the fuck,you crazy bitch?! Why are you so pissed that I asked how your day is?! And why are you crying?!” From my experience, men especially hate this! Do yourself and all of your unfortunate souls a favor by giving them a heads up. And guess what? Your boyfriend will probably fall even MORE in love with you when you tell him you can’t see him for a few days because you don’t want him to be caught in the crazy bitch crossfire. Plus, he probably won’t even get laid by your crazy bitch anyways, so he might as well spend that time with his homeboys instead of chillin with your crazy ass who won’t put out….. Just sayin….

For The Unfortunate Souls:
Be receptive to this communication from your beast. Feel free to make a note of when the crazy bitch arrives so you have an idea of when she strikes each month…. also feel free to be an incredible genius who plans trips or reasons to be temporarily away during these times.

Period Sex

EXERCISE, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
Exercise is, without a doubt, my crazy bitch cure. Once upon a time my mom told me that she read that the 1st day of your period is the most effective day of the month to work out. While I have absolutely no actual proof or evidence that this is true, I can tell you from personal experience that I believe it full heartedly. In addition to dramatically reducing my crazy bitch symptoms, it also makes me feel better than ever after my monthly visitor is gone. I’m left with that feeling of, “Well, if I can have THAT GREAT of a workout while my crazy bitch is here, I can do it anytime!!” I love that! Not only that, but the more consistently I make my crazy bitch exercise, the less out of control she is on a consistent basis! Put that crazy bitch to good use and make her pump some iron!

For The Unfortunate Souls:
Be our gym buddy 🙂

CHILL OUT, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
This one may seem obvious, but you must must must make time to chill out when your crazy bitch comes out to play. Whether it’s a nice long bath, splurging on a massage, spending a few minutes meditating or squeezing in a yoga class you usually skip, it all counts and it’s very important! Take time to breathe, stretch, shake and let it goooooo! Doing so will really help your symptoms and allow you to put your crazy bitch into perspective.

For The Unfortunate Souls:
JUSTTTT…..get out of my face for a little bit. I’m sorry, I love you, you just gotta….. you gotta go away for a little bit dude.

EAT SOME FRENCH FRIES, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
Yes, I advocate healthy eating, but I also believe in splurging for the sake of sanity and saving mankind. If eating some damn french fries will reduce your likelihood of punching someone in the face or running someone over with your car, by alllllll means eat those little fuckers up…. all of them…. maybe 2 orders, it’s all good girl, you got this. I should also clarify that I’m not saying ONLY splurge and eat like a huge hippopotamus while your crazy bitch is in town, but you should allow for some wiggle room. Obviously, there’s no wiggle room in your pants because your ass is so bloated, so we can create a little wiggle room elsewhere.

For The Unfortunate Souls:
Find out or ask about our favorite splurge/craving food and don’t be afraid to offer some if and when the crazy bitch starts morphing into a zombie apocalypse.

CUT BACK, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
Certain things have the tendency to make our crazy bitch a little crazier…. things like caffeine, alcohol and sodium will actually add to the problem, despite the fact that you may want to think otherwise. Yes, of course you’re a big girl and can make your own choices, but just keep in mind that a temporary switch to tea and more ground pepper could do you a lot of good

For The Unforunate Souls:
Explore the world of tea with me or at least pretend you’re not in the mood for coffee to discourage me a little. Also, since you’ll be helping with dinner(s), as suggested above, slip in a little less salt!

Mother Nature

May your beast be at bay and make you a little less cray.

xoxo,
Rachel

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